Indignity

I know I'm a terrible person. I know it. The poor women at my counter continued to talk about her late husband, how wonderful he was, and how important it was for her to honor him by decorating a corner of the house around his urn of ashes. All the while I'm literally biting the inside of my cheeks to keep from laughing in her face.

I know! Now you hate me too. "Why were you laughing at this sweet little old lady?!" You ask in a horrified voice.

Because, not one time in her monologue did she actually say "my husband's urn." Every single time she said "my husband's urinal." That's right. U-R-I-N-A-L. That was a priceless mental picture.

Not a Fan of Fans.

"I need some help here!" The woman suddenly announced while approaching the checkout lane. My lane was completely empty, so I waved to get her attention.

"I can help you Ma'am."

"Yes! A Man! You would know exactly."

Can I just say that while I am confident of my masculinity, I don't fit into many of societies boxes. Statements like this usually make me slightly nervous— unless opening the lid of a jar is somehow involved. She held up two spools of ribbon.

"Are these the right colors for [random animal]?"

"I am sorry, I actually don't follow sports; you are talking to the wrong person. Let me get you—"

That was when she began to hiss like a cat. Hunching her shoulders and bearing her teeth, she "scratched" at my face three times, suddenly straightened up gave me a "you are really strange" look, and walked away. I can only imagine what game day is like at her house!

Customer is Always Right

Of course, out of all the employes the little elderly man could corner and snarl at, he would have to pick the new girl. It was her first day on the sales floor.

"Can I help you?"

"—and I don't understand why! I doubt it." he said facing me, "I am looking for Plaster of Paris."

"Yes sir, I can show you where it is."

"No you cant! You don't have any."

"I'm...sorry? Did a sales member help you from that department? Because we actually carry—"

"Young Man I have seen your stock back there and you don't have ordinary, honest to goodness plaster. You have some crazy new-fangled goop that you mix together and it heats up really hot. You can't touch it. I don't need something like that! Doesn't sound safe."

"Resin? That's a different product actually, our Plaster of..."

"I am telling you, you don't have what I need! And where am I supposed to go to get Plaster of Paris if not here? If y'all don't carry it, WHERE would I find it? It should be here!"

"You can alway try [competitive company.]" I gave him directions to the store and walked him to our door thanking him for his time.

That evening after the store closed, we straiten the product on the shelves in preparation for opening in the morning. I found it humorous to straighten four containers of Plaster of Paris mix that apparently, we don't even carry.

Customer Assist

"Excuse me I have a return."

I looked up from the current customer I was working with to see a woman standing several feet away holding up a bag.

"That's fine Ma'am. Just step in line and I will be with you in a moment." This of course wasn't exactly accurate as we were swamped at work and my line was fairly long. Still, what else do you say to the person who waves to get your attention while clearly not getting in line?

"In line? I have to WAIT in line?"

"Yes Ma'am." I returned my current customer.

The woman went to the back of the line, but I could hear her voice carrying over the rest of the conversation in the store. She hadn't finished her rant to the people around her by the time she reached my counter again. Much to the chagrin of everyone around her, she still steamed on.

"And that's ANOTHER thing about this, I wasn't really asking if I had to wait. He didn't need to just respond like that. I just wasn't sure WHERE I was supposed to go. There are so many lines here! It's just not right."

"Right. There." The exasperated woman in line with her pointed above my head to the oversized sign hanging above my head:


RETURNS/EXCHANGES

Bless you woman...bless you.

I'd Settle for 50/50

"I need someone to help me!" The woman looked completely overwhelmed. "I have to make a centerpiece for a dinner and I have no idea where to begin. It's supposed to be a fall theme."

"Okay, that's not a problem, I would be happy to help you out." I smiled. It would actually be nice to do something different for a change than the usual cash-register and shelf-stocking monotony.

For over twenty minutes, I showed her product, sketched a basic table layout, discussed ways to keep the whole theme unified, STRONGLY discouraged her from placing a moldy, bug-eaten, moss-covered log from the woods behind her house directly on the dinning room table near food. We branched into fabric, napkins, and plate chargers. I was going to get her as much product to tastefully pull this party off successfully as I could!

Wait, party? Did I say party? "Oh no, " she informed me as we made our way to the non-scented candles, "this isn't for a party. It is for a competition."

Lady if you win this you owe me—just so we are clear.

What Flavor are You?

"I nearly walked outta' this store without paying for my stuff!" The man said laughingly as he approached my counter. I continued helping my current customer, but I smiled in his direction and said "You don't want me to tackle you in the parking lot!" This was clearly a joke. Anyone who has seen me would question my ability to tackle a five year old, let alone a full grown man.

"My dog would take care of you if you tried!" He responded gruffly. "Are you a Baptist?"

The question surprised me. "Umm... no sir I am not." I turned my attention back to my current customer.

"Well what religion are you? Atheist?" He questioned. Apparently, that was the next logical step from Baptist.

"Why does it matter?" I asked him. The lady at my counter nervously chuckled.

"It matters," he immediately replied "because depending on your flavor my dog might really enjoy eating you!"

My customer grabbed her purchases and made a beeline for the door.

Of Religiosity and Work.

 I am not interested in making some deep spiritual proclamations while ringing up your sale of goods. I don't need you to leave me "something to read" as I give you your change. I know you think you are being a good soul, but you see—

The woman in line ahead of you? She just dragged a coworker around the store for thirty minutes showing him all the things that would invite "darkness" into one's home. The black wearing, tattoo-sporting woman yesterday tried to get me to buy homemade spells from her online-shop, to bolster my love life. The man over there with the back brace on? He had a "Faith-healer" pray over him in line and then ordered him to take off his brace and prove to the world he was healed. To top it off, clicking in my pocket right now is red glass jewelry that a customer has given me to "proudly wear the blood of Jesus." While standing behind the counter, I have nowhere to put that tri-folded piece of paper that I already know is informing me to "escape hell and enter heaven," so likely it will simply go into the trash.

If you want to talk faith and worldviews with me, I would enjoy doing so. However how about you actually befriend me first, ask me out to lunch or coffee, and talk shop then? Not when I am juggling five things and trying to make change. Thank you.

Disclaimer: Surprising as it may seem, I am actually a person of faith. Not only is it a real and important part of my life, I love discussing faith, spiritual life, and relational values with my friends, many of whom do not share my own worldview. It is helpful to learn to formulate what I believe, when someone I know and care about holds a completely opposite point of view. I have friends who are Catholic, Neo-pagan, Baptist, "Spiritual," Muslim, Atheist, Pentecostal, Orthodox, and Agnostic. :-)