Monday, July 29, 2013

Now that is Just Daisy!

"Sir where are your decorative pillows? I can't seem to find them."

Being a man, I tend to have a one track mind. So I stopped the work I was doing in the floral department and escorted the shopper over to the pillows. As I turned to leave I noticed a gentleman walking my way with a quizzical look on his face.

"Can I help you find anything sir?"

"Um.. No. No I am fine thank you." He said with an odd, slightly perturbed look on his face—THEN HE STEPPED FAR AROUND ME AND CONTINUED WALKING AWAY!

Well that's just peculiar. What was his problem?! That's when it occurred to me that I had been parading around the store under a veritable umbrella of giant pink Gerber Daisies in my hand. (sigh) Fabulous, simply fabulous...

Friday, July 26, 2013

Save the Ta-Tas!

An older lady was wondering around the front of the store with a confused look on her face.

"Can I help you find anything Ma'am?"

"Young man, do y'all do Mammograms here?"


"Mammograms. I wan't to know if y'all do them here for people."

"Do you mean Monogramming?"

"That's what I said!" She looked at me as though I had sprouted a third eye on my temple. "Mammograms!"

Monday, July 22, 2013

A Real Man

He looked to be in his late 60's or early 70's. Once quite tall, he slowly moved hunched over. I realized he stood in my coworker's checkout line, oblivious to the fact her closed sign was up.

"Sir, she is closed, but I can help in over in my line." I only had one customer in front of him, it would only take a second.

"That's a terrible way to do business. Not enough workers. Having to wait in long lines. Terrible!" I heard him grumble as he slowly made his way to my line.

When it was his turn, he placed a large, old fashioned metal fire-truck in front of me.

"That's on sale right?"

"Actually, it isn't this week sir—"

"Doesn't matter!" He interrupted "I get what I want. This store is terrible. I don't see how you stay in business like this. Terrible!"

"I'm sorry for your wait sir. We are short handed tonight."

"NEVER APOLOGIZE!" He barked at me "That is a sign of weakness! It is!"

I am sorry sir. I'm sorry that you are trapped into still being the bully on the playground. I am sorry for the needlessly difficult life you have clearly led. I am sorry that you have lived this long on the earth and still don't understand the first thing about authentic, masculine strength. I am sorry—because I can be, and I think I am more whole because of it.

Friday, July 19, 2013

She may be a Nag but...

Customer on the phone: "Can you hold one of your straw wreaths for me? I don't have time to pick it up tonight but I will be there tomorrow and I'll get it then."

My Manager: "I'm sorry Ma'am, but it is a store policy we cannot hold merchandise overnight. Fortunately we have plenty in stock and when you stop by tomorrow you should be just fine."

Customer: "So you are telling me you can't hold one—just ONE straw wreath for me?"

Manager: "I'm sorry Ma'am but there are plenty—"

Customer: "Oh that's just fine!  Never mind then. I'll tell my 86 year old grandmother she won't be getting her dinner on time then! Thanks a lot." (click)

Me: "So— I'm confused. Was she planning on feeding the wreath to her grandmother?"

Monday, July 15, 2013

Dirty Money

I am profoundly amazed at what some women can store in their bra. It stuns me not only that they do it, but that they feel comfortable digging around for that "other bill" while we all watch. For the record, nobody wants to touch your wadded up, sweaty, rank body smelling bills. Allow me to show you our pocketbook collection here...

Friday, July 12, 2013

The Shining

"Is it TOO much to ask to simply place your dirty cloths into the appropriate baskets? I mean.. it's so simple! Darks, lights, towels—I have them labeled. But NOOoo he just dumps them in the floor!"

The blond chic at my checkout line was loudly venting.

"Good luck with that" I smiled, trying to brighten her mood "We men can be creatures of habit!"

"Oh he'll learn. Men can be taught. My ex learned real quickly to sort his cloths right after I started putting Nair® in his shampoo and Benadryl® in his tea. If he didn't want to be drugged and hairless he would do as I said!"


"Honey, you sound like something outta the Shining." An older woman in line told her.

"I don't care. My house, my rules. Live with me an' you gotta do as I say or earn the consequences."

Monday, July 8, 2013

A Lack of Education

An actual reported conversation that happened in our Fabric's Department.

Customer: "I need one fourth of a yard of this material."

Employee "Yes mam' let's see— one quarter of a yard."

Customer "NO! I said I needed ONE FOURTH of a yard! That's the problem with you kids these days, no proper education!"

Friday, July 5, 2013

Visual Learner

The customer was looking at me expectantly.  I could do this.  I HAD seen the product she was asking for, but where was it? I couldn't leave my register to find it. I closed my eyes and began to envision the store layout in my mind.

"You are going to want to head toward the back right corner." I began directing her, pointing out guide-posts and landmarks to help her find what she was looking for, "and it should be right there towards the bottom—"

I opened my eyes to find her gone. I was standing there talking to empty air, while a growing line of more customers were staring at me as though I had lost my mind, waiting for me to check them out. Wonderful.

Welcome to the exchange.

Having spent many years working in retail, I have seen an aspect of the American public that is profoundly engaging: The Consumer. As a thoroughly entertained observer of human nature I began to collect stories of my experiences.This blog aims to say what every tired cashier wants to say but cannot.  Hopefully you will not only be entertained, but enlightened into the perspective of a retail worker. Enjoy!