Friday, January 31, 2014

O's Doppelganger

"Young man, I need to ask you a question."

"Yes Ma'am?" I am not going to lie, as I turned to look at the customer, I did a double take. Her voice, the way she stood there—the resemblance was uncanny.

"I really love this sideboard, it would match my dining set perfectly. I know it's on sale, but I do see some nicks in it. Is there anyway I can get an additional discount?"

" Ma'am that piece is distressed intentionally. You can tell by the fact the finish on it covers all the nicks and chips in the wood."


"If the nicks showed raw, untreated wood underneath, then it would have been actually damaged."

"Thank you. You have been so helpful. Really. Thank you."

Now then—read this exchange again and insert Oprah Winfrey's voice for the customer. Shazaam! Instant uncanny moment at work.  That lady was channeling the Daytime Power Diva like Shirley MacLaine channels God: Badly. I really tried to be extra helpful just in case she decided to tip me with a new car. But alas, she was not the real McCoy.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Above All—Shop!

I saw her answer her phone, and immediately she became agitated. She grabbed her nearly full shopping cart and wheeled it to the back of the line, frantically whispering on the phone and talking to the other shoppers at the same time. One by one, they pulled their carts to the side to allow her ahead of them, until she reached my register.

"I'm in a hurry." She said to me, then spoke into the phone "But you are ok? You are somewhere safe?"

While ringing up her purchases, I glanced back at the women lined up behind her—they all wore a uniform frown. This was interesting. I finished ringing up her purchases, and she rushed out of store with several bags, muttering uninformative "hu-uhs" and "Tsssss!"

As the next shopper began to lay her items on the counter, I smiled "Sorry about your wait there, that seemed a bit odd."

The woman sniffed. "She said her mother's apartment was on fire."

Because you know, it IS important to finish shopping first before running to family in crisis. Totally understandable.

Vive la Revolution!

"Excuse me sir, where are your guillotine kits?"

Now that was a sure fire way to grab my attention. "I'm sorry, where are my what?"

"Guillotine kits? You know, like what they used to execute people during the French Revolution? It's sort of shaped like..." and with that he began to roughly describe the shape and function of the guillotine.

"Yes, I know what the guillotine is, but I am sorry we don't carry that here."

"Well I was told you did!"

"Umm..well I can show you are science and model section where you can see the product we do have, but I don't have any guillotines."

"Well if you don't carry one, how should I go about making one?"

I was getting a bit nervous by this point. "I—don't really know that we have anything that big and sharp..."

"Oh I don't need anything with a blade sharp enough to cut, I just need it to look and act like a real one."

"Is this for a play?"

"Nope! I just want one."

It was at that point, I strongly began to suspect his last name was Addams.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Pardon Me, I Think You Dropped Your Humanity.

"I am so sorry for you." I said to my co-worker.

"I just want this day to be over!" She replied, "It wasn't a fun moment, that's for sure."

"Please—please tell me someone brought their dog into the store."

"No animals came in today. I thought it was some crumpled up rubbish until I kicked it out of my way. Nope—it was poop."

We all have done things we are not proud of. It's true. However, if you squat down and poop in the middle of the store instead of actually walking to the restroom—you have reached a new low.

We actually have restrooms in the store. We even clean them! Why not use them? It's just a thought.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Pardon the Avalanche

It was Truck Day. Truck day means boxes to be opened, product to be sorted, items to be priced, and shelves to be stocked—on top of all your regular job requirements.

Someone had precariously stacked a pile of merchandise on the sales floor, and a box began to slid off the top, which of course started a mini avalanche. My manager caught it with one hand and began to steady a second one from falling. I grabbed a third, and a fourth, while a third co-worker jumped into the fray, trying to re-stack the boxes that were attempting to rain on our heads.

That was the moment she chose to address us.

"Excuse me, I noticed this item doesn't have a price, could you check it for me?"

" just a minute Ma'am." I grunted from underneath a few boxes that far heavier than they looked. Another box seemed to leap off the top and my Manager and I both began juggling our escaping product, trying to keep it from smashing on the floor.

"Excuse me" She began again "could you just stop what you are doing and give me a price?"

I looked at her from underneath a pile of boxes. "It's going to be just a second Ma'am."

Believe it or not, if I could just suspend boxes in midair I totally would. Though I think I might try to get a job in a circus instead of dealing with impatient people.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Mr. Bones

"Is your head shaved?"

I looked up from the register and checked the man's eyes. Yup, they seemed fully functional as he was staring at my cleanly shaved scalp.

"Yes, it is."

"Mr. Bones! Mr. Bones!" He immediately began to chant in a sing song voice, "That's what I am going to call you from now on. Mr. Bones! Mr. Bones!"

He continued to sing that until left the store. Delightful.